Mental Health Matters: Looking Out for Others, Active Listening and Self-Care

The ‘most wonderful time of the year’ can also be the most difficult for many people. We asked our friends at Central London Samaritans to offer advice on simple ways we can look out for others, and implement self-care into your own routine… help is at hand. Amber Murray shares more.

At Central London Samaritans, people often ask us how they can look out for friends, colleagues and family members. What are the signs that someone might be struggling or feeling suicidal? And how should someone initiate a conversation with someone they’re worried about? People fear that they might not be prepared to hear that someone is considering taking their life, and many people are concerned about ‘saying the wrong thing’ or ‘making it worse’.

Back to the Basics: Human Kindness

Anyone can feel invisible and alone in a room full of people; often exacerbated by everyone else appearing to be happy or content. What helps? Being ‘seen’ and being asked if you’re okay helps. Having the opportunity to air compounding, negative thoughts in a confidential space without fear of judgement can give someone an enormous feeling of relief and help reveal other options and pathways beyond despair or thoughts of ending one’s own life. 

Spotting the signs

What does ‘someone struggling’ look like? Unfortunately, it can look like nothing at all. Some people are adept at hiding how they are really feeling. Others may exhibit one or many signs that they’re finding things hard and can no longer see a way forward. 

Some people may be withdrawn and shutting everyone out, not taking care of themselves, drinking heavily, tearful, not sleeping, constantly tired or lethargic, finding it difficult to focus, experiencing panic attacks or showing signs of anxiety. 

Someone who is considering taking their life may act out of the ordinary, like calling or texting much more or much less than normal, or they may behave in ways that are reckless like speeding, drink driving or walking in unsafe areas alone at night. 

Take a deep breath and remember, this is harder for the person who is struggling

It can feel awkward to start a conversation with someone you might be concerned about, particularly if you don’t know them well. You could try something like: ‘I’ve noticed you’re a bit quiet, are you okay? Do you want to talk?’. As long as it feels natural and not like an interrogation, it’s worth a try. 

Don’t make it about you by interjecting with ‘oh that happened to me once’. And don’t judge by saying things like, ‘you shouldn’t have done that’.

Avoid giving advice, because it can be confusing and conflicting; if given the time and space to really explore their feelings, people often come to their own conclusions about how they can make changes in their lives. Sometimes it might be necessary to signpost to further support, such as Samaritans, GPs and other organisations, which is different than giving advice, it’s just letting someone know there’s more help out there.

The subject of suicide

It’s important not to shy away from talking about suicide; it might be the only opportunity someone has had to put the thought out there. If someone says, ‘I don’t see the point in carrying on’ or, ‘I don’t want to live anymore’ to a friend or family member, their immediate reaction might be alarm, shock, or even self-blame: ‘but you have me, am I not enough?’, (which actually shifts the focus away from the person who is confiding).

A well-meaning response may also come out as a sort of reprimand: ‘don’t be ridiculous!’ or, ‘don’t say that, you have so much to live for!’. Comments like this will most likely result in a quick retraction: ‘well obviously I’m not serious!’, which shuts the conversation down. The person will no doubt continue to feel isolated, heavy or hopeless and avoid talking about it to anyone else.

If instead you were to respond with, ‘how long have you been feeling like that?’, or ‘what’s been happening lately to make you feel that way?’, or ‘have you thought about ending your life?’, their feelings are validated and the opportunity to really talk is there. 

Ultimately most people don’t want to end their lives, they just want the pain to stop and to feel like life is worth living again. Let them talk and see what a difference it makes to their demeanour, sometimes immediately. 

Self-care is essential

I realise that I am writing quite passionately about how we can all consciously look out for others and be good listeners, but it is equally important to remember that we matter too. As listeners, we aren’t there to fix things for other people, and we can’t take someone’s problems and make them our own. 

One way to feel lighter is to do something that makes you feel connected with your happier self, like being in nature, doing something creative, or spending time with people that bring you joy. If you’re feeling heavy, worried or stressed, talk to someone you trust. We can’t only be listeners, there must be balance; Samaritans always look to each other for support. Some of our Samaritans have been volunteers for 10, 20 and even 50 years, but they couldn’t do it without looking after themselves in the process.

One of our longest serving Samaritans uses an excellent analogy, which she borrowed from flight attendants: ‘always put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else’. Look after yourself so you can be there for others. Feeling as low as the person you are listening to isn’t how you help them (in fact it would probably make them feel worse!), just listening, really listening, is what helps. Everyone deserves to feel like someone cares, and – as another wise Samaritan once said – nobody should die because they have nobody to talk to.

Amber Murray, Central London Samaritans

This article was originally published in the Autumn issue of My Soho Times.

Share your thoughts in the comment box below!

Get social with us – follow and tag us! @mysohotimes #MySohoTimes